The Merging of Me

"For me, the spiritual quest will be a life-long work in progress." ~ Dan Brown

In sports, they sometimes say that the best offense is a good defense. But in life, acting defensively can prove to be the undoing of a person. When we are reactive, rather than proactive…the ball remains in the other person’s “court” and we surrender control to their return.

Certainly, we all have coping mechanisms to help us deflect, dodge and navigate successfully through the potentially explosive minefields of life. Some people use self-deprecating humor to hide insecurities or hidden fears and others project their issues through judgmental manipulation.

For the last few months, I’ve been on somewhat of a quest to merge the many aspects of myself into a more satisfying and unified path. However, sometimes we outgrow our shells before we’ve found a suitable replacement for the next phase of our journey and that can be just as painful as never growing in the first place. I’m still unsure at times about integrating my spiritual self in regards to my career but my friends have provided me with tremendous council, giving me a private outlet to vent. Now, I understand the “path” is of little significance compared to the way in which we choose to walk it because your life may be the only Bible some people will ever read.

This doesn’t mean we won’t make mistakes or get struck by lightening from time to time. On the contrary, the importance of this journey resides not in never falling- but in the manner with which conduct ourselves after we have fallen. Each time we get knocked down, whether by our own hand or circumstances out of our control, provides indelible opportunity for our soul’s to grow.

If we are honest with ourselves as we grow, I think most everyone gets to a point in their life or career when they start questioning the validity of what they’ve been doing. Some manage to successfully ignore that inner voice telling them a change is in order because they feel stuck, financially lured or do not want to waste years of schooling and experience.

This year, my inner voice has practically been screaming at me. I’ve been slow about mulling over many opportunities because I was sure to that my growth involved moving away from the sports aspect and they weren’t in line with what I feel I’m being called to do. Let’s face it, if you’re trying to help people make positive changes in their lives-- the sports industry isn’t exactly an ideal launching pad. And since it’s been my life’s love…I felt stuck as to how I could continue being all of me inside it's realms. I'm still not entirely sure about what it all means but I am certain those life lessons brought to me through sports also serve a purpose on this path as well. It’s just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other, snarky comments and all.

RYAN and BETH: "Victory"

The following is a work of fiction. None of the characters depicted in this story are real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons is not intended. ***********

“BETH”: So the bullpen cat finally nabs a win? Congrats, Ace.

“RYAN”: Thanks- I think…

“BETH”: Celebrating tonight?

“RYAN”: Why so friendly now - during BP you wouldn’t even look at me.

“BETH”: I’m sorry

“RYAN”: Am I that easy to forget?

“BETH”: Am I?

“RYAN”: What do you think? I was trying to make eye contact with you.

“BETH”: I guess it was awkward. Again, I’m sorry about that.

“RYAN”: I am just giving you a hard time.

“BETH”: Okay but still.

“RYAN”: Yeah I know. Me too.

“BETH”: I hate that ballpark, one of the worst in the league.

“RYAN”: Not me. I like it.

“BETH”: Really? Why?

“RYAN”: Yes ma’am. The view from the bullpen is perfect.

“BETH”: Yeah I saw you move your chair.

“RYAN”: So you did notice. I was wondering.

“BETH”: What was that all about?

“RYAN”: You looked like you were enjoying that ice cream.

“BETH”: Why does that make me feel dirty?

“RYAN”: Flashbacks?

“BETH”: Wise ass, I wasn’t the only one who noticed you staring either.

“RYAN”: I better check myself.

“BETH”: I’ve been telling you that all season.

“RYAN”: Yeah well everyone already knows that I’m messed up. But I do care about your reputation.

“BETH”: Got to go, having dinner with friends.

“RYAN”: And after that?

“BETH”: What happened to caring about my reputation?

“RYAN”: You’re hard to stay away from.

“BETH”: So this is all my fault?

“RYAN”: Yes! I’ll be at the Blue Martini, waiting. Will you come?

“BETH”: Maybe

“RYAN”: Alone

Shore Interrupted: Welcome to New Seattle

"Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet." ~Roger Miller

Jokingly, I made reference to the seemingly unending amount of rainfall we’ve been experiencing here in New Jersey and decided that the Garden State has now become Seattle East. The rain isn’t much of a problem for me - except for safety concerns when driving, as I am especially on edge after the car accident. But all things considered, I rather like this grayness because it forces me to stay in and write without fearing that I’m missing out on some hot summer fun.

Truth of the matter is, most of my friends are going stir crazy and I fear for their sanity. Even still, you’ve got to admit that holding the Benny’s at bay for a few weeks does have its perks. Plus, think of the money we’re all saving on air-conditioning, grass watering, and strappy sandals. (Ok, so the last part was just for lady shop-a-holics who find themselves slave to summer trends.) And I know the rain is not good for those of you hoping for some early season hook-ups but I’m rather embracing my time alone. (See, also… “Happily Single and Other Lies I Tell Myself Daily”)

Summer is such a sensatory season with a plentitude of typical sights, sounds and smells to ignite memories we’ve long since hidden away. After a long dreary winter, most people NEED the sun to jumpstart their souls into action. But perhaps, inside all of this wet mess, Mother Nature is giving us a gift. Maybe she is telling us to slow down, regroup and savor every aspect of our lives regardless of limits, financial constrictions or any other perceived impediment. Ask yourself, what you would be doing if the sun was shining brightly and find a way to navigate some aspect of it immediately. Very often we waste precious time and energy by beating ourselves against a brick wall to find out that what is behind it was never worth the effort in the first place.

Instead of gazing with depressed eyes at the gloomy weather and longing for some external spark to save us…perhaps now is the time to look within for some internal light to do the trick.

Or we could just go tanning and pretend.

Confusing Celebrities with Stars: A Big Freaking Problem

"Fame and riches are fleeting. Stupidity is eternal." ~ Don Williams Jr.

Please allow me a few moments to vent. It feels like it’s been raining forever here in NJ, casting a grey “Forks” like illumination over the entire tri-state area. A delightful combination of my allergies and increased stress has managed to somehow increase the frequency and intensity of my migraine headaches. I’ve been in two car accidents in two weeks and my auto insurance company is toying with my emotions…so you’ll have to excuse me for my snappy inability to tread lightly today.

Add to this sexy mix…the horrible economy, nuclear weapons testing and credit-lending wars and what we have here, is the perfect storm. It seems that we’ve all got some battle going on and are struggling just to make the best of things. But I think it’s pretty darn clear one of the more annoying issues in the world today stems from our tabloid infiltrated culture and the immense confusion that comes from accepting and exalting “celebrities” as stars.

Snicker if you must but it’s true. Take for example, the highly popular website and television show TMZ which uses multimedia outlets devoted to glorified stalking. “Here’s (insert “celebrity”) getting coffee, taking out the garbage, drunk on the sidewalk.” Groundbreaking it’s not. Nor does this sort of paparazzi buffet even have the consideration for its viewing audience to provide intelligent commentary on the “celebrity” culture….instead opting to offer dull short clips of their targets walking and in most cases ignoring the cameras. Riveting stuff.

The problem isn’t that devoted fans want to soak up as much information as possible about their favorite gods and goddesses…but rather it’s the classification of these specific people that we are choosing to emulate, follow, and observe. After sifting through endless information about the Plus 8 crew, Speidi, and other sordid reality deities….I realized that America has confused the idea of celebrity and stardom.

People who have literally accomplished nothing, contributed no ounce of value and continue to decapitate anything enriching are constantly being celebrated as stars. This is so ass-backwards! Stars are/should be famous for something other than hits on misogynist Perez Hilton’s poorly written, inaccurate, highly circuited website. Celebrities are creations of media/pr/hype people. They are the Spencer Pratt’s of the world. Conversely, TRUE stars have left their mark on the words you read, they have endured sacrifice for their craft, and they are visionaries of their art. Whether on screen, stage, or other medium - stars expand the creativity inside all of us through their very work. As a survivor of reality based television, I can’t help but to wonder if we were to stop giving star privileges to these empty celebrities…perhaps a shift will occur in the laziness, sense of entitlement and overall dim brain function plaguing the world today. Of course this would mean that having a sex tape would no longer be a perquisite to lasting fame.

Choose your heroes wisely, America… they reveal a lot about you.

Shore Interrupted: It's Not Me...It's You

"Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors." ~ Proverb~

On a typical Saturday night, during high-season, most Shore ladies over the age of 25 try to do their best to stay away from Benny infested locations like Belmar and Point Pleasant (unless they need a good laugh). Surely, many of you have heard the tales of summer lust hook-ups by way of Bar Anticipation or Jenk’s. But since I am not interested in having Miller Lite spilled on me from some meathead’s plastic cup, I spent some time in Atlantic Highlands this weekend.

In essence of full disclosure, I’d like to say that the only type of guys I’ve ever met in bars have been Mr. Right Now and certainly not Mr. Right. If you’re looking for a deeper connection, vodkatini’s and poorly covered rock tunes tend to be less conducive towards forming a genuine interest. Rather the interaction becomes all breasts, boasting and buzz.

This isn’t to say, it doesn’t happen…but for me, I have such little time to devote to “recreational” pursuits that when I go out with my friends- I’m more interested in terrific conversation and scrumptious food. If a snazzy fella were to catch my eye, I am not opposed to interaction but for the most part guys, you should know that the very presence of a lady in a bar or restaurant doesn’t automatically mean she’s on the prowl.

As a writer, the temptation is always there to be lured by excitement of extremes but luckily enough, every venture can ultimately prove to be creative fodder. Take for example, my five hour brunch on Sunday at On the Deck. With a magical view of Manhattan in the distance, my untouched turkey club sandwich withered in the hot sun surrounded by a few too many empty bloody Mary glasses, as an old/new-again friend and I played catch-up on the last decade or so.

Society likes to measure women by whether or not they are married and as one of the only single girls left in my group of friends that can be quite daunting. Sometimes, you can’t see how far you’ve come as a woman until you've reconnected with people who knew you as a girl. I’d have to say that one of the best things about being in my thirties now is the peace of mind that comes with having a history. Our pasts can only define us in the present if we let them. It’s not what they call you….it’s what you choose to answer to.

Those sordid details about where the young girl inside of us has been, who she’s loved, and what she’s done are not things meant to work against us in the future. In fact, they can and should prove to be authentic road maps to guide the woman you will ultimately become, how you’ll love and what you will do. Life happens with or without a wedding ring and I’m okay with that for now.

Shore Interrupted: Real New Jersey

After bitching about how inauthentic and stereotypical I found Bravo’s “Real” Housewives of New Jersey to be… I figured, my only weapon would be writing a new tale of life in the Garden State. Thus my “Shore Interrupted” series has been born even though I am currently unmarried, not ‘connected’ and absolutely in no way looking to perpetrate an image based on financial means. So let’s have at it.

Surely, one’s perception has much to do with shaping their personal definition of a “real” housewife. Our stations in life clearly illustrate the duties, responsibilities and in some cases even the perks. I must admit that I watched Bravo’s exploits in California, Atlanta and New York with a curious eye, never balking at the backstabbing, insane waste, or delusions of grandeur that colored each episode. But this time, it’s personal.

Since the E Channel is intent on bringing you even more trash via their Jersey Shore Unleashed series, I sense I’ve got my work cut out for me. If any of these outlets wants to depict the true essence of life in the Garden State, they should probably consider venturing more than a few feet over the George Washington Bridge and using a group of Monmouth County chicks instead. Clearly it seems both channels are going for the attention starved, ignorant or new money thing but as a proud product of the Shore, I sure wish they’d provided a more accurate glimpse into REAL NJ through affluent communities like Colts Neck, Rumson, Monmouth Beach or even Spring Lake.

“Shore Interrupted” will be my satirical chronicle of real life, dating, and sometimes insanity. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to lure more Benny’s to our beautiful corner of the world but it would be nice if people had a bit more accurate information about how things go down here! So whether you currently live in the Garden State or have found your life interruptedly somewhere else- you’ll be able to savor the unique sights & sounds of The Shore through my not-so-rose-colored glasses.

Of course, the names will be changed in some cases to protect the guilty but I think this will be a fun way to wade through the summer. I’m just a girl, searching for her Mr. Big in an ocean full of scary sea creatures…the least we can do is have a good laugh about it!

Poetry: "Deviant Promises"

Your lies are magical. At least that’s what I tell myself when I remember how the story of us played out. You tricked me with glamour, lured me with fascination and captured me only to release me as quickly. Yes, you must be evil because how else can I justify being here again? We both know that I’ve tasted myself on better men who did nothing to warrant such affections.

I’m smart you see, I don’t fall for suckers – I create them. But you must be some kind of wizard to have me on my back, looking up at you for answers.

Everyone knows how this episode plays out. I’ll be in shambles and you’ll be on your way to another bar, stalking another unsuspecting conquest. Will you even care to create a new spell or does this one work too well for you to abandon it now?

The familiar weight of you between my thighs has my head spinning. “This time is different.” I hear the words as clearly as if you had said them yourself, whispered with passion into my ear – but you didn’t.

This is merely another lie I tell myself. Your hands speak the language of my soul with muted deviancies. Maybe I am possessed. Certainly I have lost the ability to reason entertaining your whims.

You smell like forever, is that another part of your plan? Enticing my senses with the lure of eternity… I should end this now; I should free myself from you. “Tell me you need me, beg me to stay.” I hear nothing.

Again and again….